Hello! I'm very glad you've come this far. I'm creating this page to try and keep either of us from going too far without knowing more about each other, or at least, untill you know more about me. You might call this my version of a personal's ad, but I am striving to be as open and honest as I can, basically lay down my cards for you to see. I'm going to do my best to give you something to go on, a way to get to know me better, to try and show you how the ground lays. Whether you want to go ahead or not still has to be up to you, but at least you'll have some idea of what you are facing. I'm really trying to help, whatever you decide to do, either way, this can only serve us both.
I'm a writer, kept journals all my life, and have added to this several times. I have tried to say as much as I can, till it is a long ramble. So I'm going to start with a short paraphrase of what I think is the most simple, important points of all this. Then you can read the rest when and if you like.
My life revolves around the dulcimer and the music. It is my life's work. I follow where it leads me. If I find anyone, they have to be part of it, because it is my world. I can change anything in my life except that.
I am looking for someone like me, someone who can stand up beside me and shine, as strong and tough, as honest and direct, as focused and determined
I really think you would have to be a singer like me, just to understand where I am coming from, at least some sort of artist. But to really be with me, you'd have to want to play with me and the dulcimer so we could be together wherever the music led us. It is possible you could somehow just follow me where I go, but I don't want someone to just follow me, but to have a life of their own. Perhaps if they had a career they could still maintain and the means to go wherever I have to go to follow the music, we could make it work, but it wouldn't be easy.
The music, and the dulcimer are just so beautiful and intense, so magical, more than I can describe. I just can't see anything less drawing my attention from it. Real love can be that intense, beautiful, and magical. I know that, so nothing less is going to distract me for long. I am looking for something like the music, someone that I can't deny, no matter how I try. Nothing can convince me if it isn't that real.
If I can find someone who really loves me, and that I love so that I can't deny or resist, I will do whatever it takes to make it work for both of us, especially for you. If I can find the right person, they will not ask for anything I can't do, and there is nothing I wouldn't do for them. I don't want someone I have to convince to go with me, but someone who knows that with me is where they are meant to be, and we are partners in making it work as well as it can for both of us, and accepting the imperfections and problems. We just have to be satisfied that whatever happens, it is worth it just to be togther, to be able to stand by each other. That is real love, just being happy to be in the presence of the one you love. It is having someone who is always a presense in your mind, in your being, part of your being. Someone who is just comfortable to be with, natural and relaxed. When we speak we know we are talking to each other, directly, without any games or barriers, who we really are, as open and honest as we can be, naturally. It is a harmony of hearts and souls, a rapport and resonance that is beyond words, beyond thought, undeniable.
Life is full of dreams and illusions and fantasies, while the dulcimer is real, the music is real. I struggle to keep focused on the music and resist distractions. I try to be open to potentials and possibilities, without getting distracted by what is not real. It is a major struggle in my life. I have been distracted, by my sense of duty most often, but not by choice.
I'll start out with a little general ramble on a lot of things I'll get into deeper later, but let's see if you can get through this first.
The first thing to say is that I really don't know what to say! Though I want to be honest, sometimes it is the easiest intention, but not so easy to do. We fool ourselves just as good if not better than we fool others, and words are thoughts can be easy to say and feel so sure, but crumble when put to the test. I also want to approach this more like writing a letter than crafting a thesis, I want to just let myself ramble and just express what I feel without trying to carefully craft what I am saying, though I will focus on what I am saying, try to figure some things out for you I don't normally think about much, I don't want to get too far away from what I feel. I think that its more honest if I stream of conciousness, than if I try and think too hard and work too hard on what to say or how to say it. So though I will try, I can't guarantee any more than I am expressing myself, and trying to be honest, while knowing that I'm pretty mixed up when it comes down to it, full of conflicts and dichotomies. I feel that is actually a realistic description of the situation in ones mind all too often, where mutually antagonistic, even mutually exclusive concepts exist together in a state of tension if not outright conflict. So if I contradict myself, it is because that is the way things are, really, with contradictory feelings and thoughts storming away inside me. I can easily get wildly romantically lyrical and poetic, but it is hmmm.. not unreal, it is real, but it is one extreme.. the vision, the ideals, the true motivations and inspirations. At the other end I can be terribly depressed, dissapointed and discouraged, resigned to discontent and disatisfaction, to the way things are. I have experienced a lot of dissappointment and discouragement, even as I sought not to have expectations. The funny thing is that beneath this I have a solid, rock steady pragmatism and practicality that makes it all work, tempers the visions into plans and ignors the discouragements and weighs the doubts for significance and forges ahead. It is perhaps one of my greatest attributes since it is this which allows me to succeed in the unique life, or at least to survive. I am able to maintain a control so sure I can let the storms rage within and without me and be confident that the hand on the wheel is firm and steady, and steering a true course. I am like a rock, and I can let the waves of emotions wash over me, and not be afraid or concerned, knowing they cannot move me any more than I let them. I am someone who is motivated by romantic dreams and visions, yet make them work through a strict sense of practicality and pragmatic reality, while never losing sight of what moves me to begin with. It's why I enjoy things like sailing, something that is caught up in romance, yet is absolutely practical, and the sea and boats demand a real abilities, both skill and judgement, and care nothing about how you dress, what money you have, or even your attitude, as long as you get the job done and do it right. If you do it wrong, it neither blames nor excuses, but faces you with unalterable consequences, challenging only to recognize and accept your mistakes as soon as possible, and do it better, do it right.. and right doesn't have to be perfect, for in the real tests of life, good enough actually is good enough. These are some of the things that define my character, the mix of visonary romanticism and absolute pragmatic practicality, the balance of extreme emotion and psychological gymnastics with a rock solid foundation of self that frees me from the fear to let my mind and emotions do as they want, without need for control, because I have absolute power to restrain them.
It is hard to draw the exact line between parts of my life, between the "Energy" in my life and "Conciousness", between the music and my philosophy. Part of the whole process was weaving a whole, a Way of life that included everything, facets of a single whole, interelated and involving both the inner life of mind, spirit, and emotion and the outer life of the body, physical activities, and what I "do" in life. There are still distinctions, like what I talked about relating to "ki" is more about Sensitivity, about the senses, and my perception of the world; while "conciousness" is just that, more about mind and thought and especially will. While Sensitivity is a fact of nature, like musical ability, and though talent must be developed intentionally, it is itself unintentional; conciousness is a choice, and an effort, and is intentional.
I think that the need to control myself that awakened my conciousness of energy also began a habit of self-awareness, of reflection and introspection. While I was discovering realms of perception, I was also studying spirituality, religion and philosophy, also nutrition and human physiology. It was a process, a journey I took, and it isn't always easy to tell what exactly happened along the way, what mattered, what wasn't significant. Maybe I can figure it out, maybe I can't.
1. Ki
2. A Folksinger's Philosophy: Conciousness, Character, Ethics, and The Way
3. Women
4. Music
5. The Wildlands/Nature
6. Social Action
7. Homesteading and Travelling
8. Retreats
A couple years into this process of self-revelation I realize one thing I should have said from the beginning. While many things are important to me or important aspects of my life, everything revolves around the music. That is the best description, and perhaps I tend to overlook it because it is so omnipresent, like the sun. Yet it is at the center of everything. Whether I want to accept it or not, and though I go long periods without playing and hardly seem to notice, it has been the central theme of my life. Which means that if you can be part of the music, then you will be part of my world. If we can really sing together, and remember I am a singer first and formost, then really, little else matters. It is the single overiding element that outweighs whatever else I could do or think or say. The music is magic, the most intense and satisfiying experience of my life. If we can really sing together then I could not deny you, and would do all I could do keep you singing with me. If the music really worked, then no matter whatever problems we might encounter, being able to sing together would make those seem insignificant or surmountable. I have often said about my life that despite all the hardship, unhappiness and trouble, being able to sing has made it worth while. As long as I am in a song, nothing else matter. Things might bother me between songs, but then I am singing again and I don't really care about the rest. In fact, possibly the main reason I have lived alone is because no woman was worth giving up the music for. In fact, any person would have a hard time distracting me from the music. I'm off in a dream somewhere. I am not happy being alone, and lonely, and celibacy is not any fun, though what I really want is a companion, someone to be with, to share this world and this road I'm on. But that road and that world is the music, and in the end, nothing else really matters to me, if I am playing and singing enough. Everything and anything is worth being in that place. And if I could share that place with you, then nothing else would really matter. So whatevere else I may say in this, it is the music that really matters. About all I can say is that the rest of this matters simply because it would certainly help, though, for both of our sakes, if we were somewhat compatable outside the music, so that we wouldn't have to overcome too much to sing together. Though the music makes up for everything, it still helps a lot to not be too unhappy about everything else.
I have always dreamed of finding a woman to be my mate and partner. I still dream, though I have no real expectation it will ever happen at this point (I was born in 1959). I am just so far out on the bell curve, chose that road untravelled, so it is really no suprisre that both poetically and realistically, I've meet no woman on that road I'm on. So it goes. I accept it, though I can't say I am happy with it, and I can't say I have given up hope. I can't. The fact is there is always a chance I'll run into her one day. Even if the person I seek is one in a million, that means there are 150 in the United States, and more in the world. Its like my sister told me once, that somewhere in the world there is a woman for whom I am a dream come true, and is as far out as and as down to earth as me, a woman to whom my life was their dream come true. I figure I have to make some efforts, so this is one of them. In this section I'll try to do what I can to break the ice and ramble on about what I think you should know before you decide to continue. The fact is, romance is about dreams, is a dream, as it should be, a beautiful dream you don't wake up from.. unless you have lost track of the dream and followed an illusion instead. Still, it is a strange and uncertain place, dreams. I want to do what I can to to give anyone romantic and strange enough to be interested in me something to go on, what I am really about, maybe. I don't want to get involved in anything that isn't real, so I'm hoping to save us both the trouble of chasing some will of the wisp that isn't real. Even if it is Right, it won't be easy, so I'll do what I can to help you. Since I believe that I am talking to someone specific and individual, I'll be talking to you directly, even if I don't know who you are yet. Still, I'll make this effort to let you know what you are getting into, lay my cards on the table the best I can, and hope you come to see them, and maybe even decide to lay yours down too.
Another important fact is that what I say is not carved in stone. I am not at all against changing or being changed. Almost everything in my life is easily subject to compromise. I have lived a fluid life, and as such, and not afraid of change, am not attached to what I do or where I am at, not afraid to go new directions or leave things behind. I know that the things that can't be changed or left behind won't be, because they can't, so I am not concerned that they will be. As for the rest, they are not diminished because they have passed, they were my here and now, my everything at that moment, and will always be part of me, even pivotally significant, though they might have occupied a short and limited time in my life, and I never did, or needed to pass that way again. A corner can be very important, even if you only turn it once. The things that aren't able to be changed are not so much because I say they aren't, but because I have learned that they are just part of me and my life, no matter what I might wish, so I make the best of it. Though their manifestation may change.. but more on that later. I feel a lot of life is figuring out what these central pillars and threads of your being are, the things that you really can't live without, or perhaps more accurately, can't excape. Just as important is knowing the few things you can't live with, no matter how you try and the reasons you have to try.
I suppose the place to conclude, and the place to start, is to say that I know that nothing can replace "chemistry". What I would call "resonance". That the most important component that I seek I can't quantify or explain is not odd, so many important things are like that in my world. Like many mysteries, I can name it, I can experience it, but I can't explain it, really. I also know that it is something outside personality and experience, which means that it isn't a guarantee of harmony in personalities or lifestyles or anything. While it may be the most important ingredient, it can't overcome "irreconcilable differences", it just makes it harder to accept that it won't work. Though what I seek is this resonance between me and my mate, I recognize that it alone is not enough, and that it cannot nescessarily overcome serious differences. So that's why I am writing this, so we can get a better idea, at least you can get a better idea of what I am about. The "personality and lifestyle" aspects that you'd have to deal with. Though I am ready to compromise, and ready to change, there are things I can't manage in both catagories. I want my mate to happy in my life, not because they put up with it to be with me, but because it is the life they want, I am living their life as much as they are living my life. There might be only one woman who would want to live a life like mine, but I only need one woman to share my life, if it is the Right one.
I experience a deep resonance with all my real friends, but I don't attempt to live with them, or share the same life. We cross paths, enjoy our connection, share times, common ground, and then go back to our separate ways. It is good. For other people with more "normal" lives there is really a lot more slack, a lot more flexibility to lead somewhat seperate lives and still live together and share a common space and life. Unfortunately, my life is so unique and so intense and all-encompassing that whomever I was with would have to share it. Not follow me, but walk beside me, and take the lead as often as provide back-up, make it all work better. We would have to be a team, living one life that we both create, contribute to it, share it. My mate would have to make this life theirs as much as mine, but one road, one life. It's not just a philosophical desire, it's a practical nescessity. I don't want to take anyone where they don't want to go, where they don't want to be, just to be with me. It just won't work. I want us to help us both go places we might not or just couldn't go alone. I'm looking for someone who wants to live life as I am doing, not just the what but the how. The how is really more important, since I am never really attatched to what I am doing, and am always ready for something new, as long as the energy is there. I realize it may be impossible to find someone like that, but I don't really see another choice. I am walking the road less travelled, and I'm looking for someone who wants to walk that road, who will walk that road with me or without me, just as I have walked that road, will walk that road, whether I find someone to share it or not. I don't really feel I have a choice there either. There's a lot of my life I don't feel like I have a real choice about, though I have free will, I chose to do what is right, and all too often, that leaves me few choices. I doubt I can ever live a "normal" life, even if I wanted to, and there are many times I have sincerely wished I could. I even tried a few times, without success, till I accepted the life I am living. I don't pretend for an moment that I am "normal", though there were times I wished I was, till I accepted that I am what I am. I can't explain what that is, wish I knew., I would like try to explain it all to someone who can understand, because they have felt and experienced the same things that have driven me, that drive me still. Even what I write here can only be a beginning of trying to explain anything I try to explain. It just might take a while, but I like taking long walkabouts and sails, or just sit around in some beautiful spot. We'll have plenty of time, time to talk, till we're tired of talking, then we'll have time to be silent, together.
The Simple List: I figure I might as well start with a simple description of the things I think I can't live with, the potential "irreconcilable differences". Then a list of the few things I feel I can't live without, though those will probably be the subjects of seperate sections as I try to explain what i am talking about! I 'll also try a simple list of the things I think don't want, and do want, and it seems that these are usually two sides of one subject and really are best explained together, so I will when it comes out that way. I'll try to make this part as brief as possible, and include it in this introductory page.
I'll try and group these into at least a couple levels of feeling. Though I give reasons,when I have them, sometimes it is not a matter of reason, but you have to recognize the irrational parts of your life, and they are often the things hardest to come up against.
"Absoutely Not"
1. Tobacco. I can't stand tobacco smoke and just don't like the stuff generally. Though I very occasionally have used it for ritual purposes in the native tradition. I can deal with tobacco itself easier than cigarettes, those are the worst. I avoid even places where people smoke. It is addictive and self-destructive and I don't like that. It is seriously connected to energies that I don't want to connect myself to.
2. Alcoholism and Addictive "hard" drugs: I don't mind having a drink, but I am not a drinker, and don't hang out much with drinkers, don't go to bars, etc. I have spent my life trying to be sensitive and sharp, so alcohol is not the drug for me. I have had too much experience with alcoholics, my father was one, and I just don't like drinkers. I don't like the whole lifestyle, attitudes, and energy of drinkers and drinking. I have seen too much of the dark side of it all and don't find it funny in the least. I can get along with them, some of my friends are alchies, and I deal with it, but I don't like it, and don't want to live with it. Frankly, I hate the smell of beer. I drink wine, or rum, occasionally when it comes down to it, but not much and not often. I have gone through some pretty horrible experiences dealing with close friends who became addicts, and I want nothing more to do with it, or even get close to that world. I don't believe folks when they say they can "handle" addictive drugs. Its the occupational hazard of the music, it seems, alcohol and other addictive drugs. I've watched many and in almost every case, eventually they go off the edge. Personally, I don't see much fun in those drugs, just not my thing. And yes, I tried them, because I wanted to know what they do, and I'm not interested. They aren't mind expanding, don't increase ability, only give the illusion that you are more than you are, while at the same time giving you the feeling that everything you do is justified, with no concience to bother you. Terrible stuff, uppers and downers, persciption or non-perscription, it doesn't matter.
I should make it clear that I don't mind using non-addictive drugs, ones I consider mind-expanding, specifically, hallucinogens and marijuana. They are two different worlds, for anyone who knows, though I see them both as "mystical" or "spritual" drugs, ones that expand your perceptin, rather than reducing it. They can be abused, certainly, but they are not addictive. I appreciate them, sincerely, but again, I use them irregularly, when they are there, but I don't worry about pursuing them. I use them as a tool to get somewhere, not as an end in themselves, don't waste time or money on them. I respect and appreciate their power but I don't miss them when they are gone. I find they get in the way of the music as often as not, though they can certainly make it better, it is not predicatable or guaranteed. Similiarly, I can have a drink and still play, but it does take me down a notch, which I don't like, but it can ease a hard playing situation or smooth the edges of a rough jam. Sometimes it is better to just have fun and not worry about doing my best. Still, I don't make a habit of any of them, and though I definitely like getting high, I don't much like getting stoned. I really see hallucinogens as a key to a serious mystical, spiritual experience, not as a casual thing or a way to party. As for weed, I want to feel brighter and more alive, sharper and more sensitive, not sedated or slowed down, and the right weed can do that. Though it is sometimes handy just to help me sleep after I'm wired from playing. Sometimes it is good to have a drink and just relax and enjoy, though I can do that without a drink if I want to, but slowing down is tough for me, sleeping is tough for me, a hyperactive ball of energy.
4.Right-wing and conservative political and social philosophy. I see this as too fundamental a difference to be bridged. And even if it could, I would rather have someone I can work together with towards common goals. I am seriously left of center, though I would consider myself a moderate, if it wasn't for the fact that my "moderate" positions have become radical in the face of a drift to the right and a seriously prolonged stifling of nescessary changes.
It is hard to draw the exact line between parts of my life, between the "Energy" in my life and "Conciousness", between the music and my philosophy. Part of the whole process was weaving a whole, a Way of life that included everything, facets of a single whole, interelated and involving both the inner life of mind, spirit, and emotion and the outer life of the body, physical activities, and what I "do" in life. There are still distinctions, like what I talked about relating to "ki" is more about Sensitivity, about the senses, and my perception of the world; while "conciousness" is just that, more about mind and thought and especially will. While Sensitivity is a fact of nature, like musical ability, and though talent must be developed intentionally, it is itself unintentional; conciousness is a choice, and an effort, and is intentional.
I think that the need to control myself that awakened my conciousness of energy also began a habit of self-awareness, of reflection and introspection. While I was discovering realms of perception, I was also studying spirituality, religion and philosophy, also nutrition and human physiology. It was a process, a journey I took, and it isn't always easy to tell what exactly happened along the way, what mattered, what wasn't significant. Maybe I can figure it out, maybe I can't.
1. Ki
2. A Folksinger's Philosophy: Conciousness, Character, Ethics, and The Way
3. Women
4. Music
5. The Wildlands/Nature
6. Social Action
7. Homesteading and Travelling
8. Retreats
I know my attitudes are perhaps a bit extreme, but it is more that I know what I know about myself, and I do believe that sometimes there are distinct lines to be drawn. Other things aren't so distinct, but I am talking here about the things that are. I am generally over-sensitive and have developed a life that reflects what need, and I don't worry about being normal. I recognize, like a lot of people, I have my own tweaks based on my experiences, so it goes. The fact is I have been through some very bad experiences with addicts that has made me over-sensitive to these things, and I realize it. I accept it and avoid getting anywhere near any of the above as much as I can help it, and dissassociate myself generally from any scene I encounter that energy in. I don't see that it is a great loss. I'll add that I don't mind hallucinogens or marijuana at all, and use them myself when the occasion presents itself, though I don't go out of my way to seek them out, but let them come as they may. I have always sought greater sensitivity, higher conciousness, greater awareness.. and marijuana and hallucinogens cam be tools on that path, or just what someone like me prefers, though I endulge lightly and specifically and intentionally. To me they are never an end in themselves, but a means to an end, one I seek whether they are part of the experience or not.
"Probably Not"
5. Most religions and any sort of fundamentalism.This might sound funny from someone who is a devoted mystic, and I 'd have an equally hard time someone who denied spirituality. But perhaps it is that as a devoted mystic, a sensitive, someone motivated by my "spirit" more than my emotions, or my mind, and certainly not my body; I have always been irritated by superstition and irrational beliefs, whether from old traditional religions or from modern cults and cosmic woo-woo. Its a tough call, since I still draw on the traditionas, try to seek the fundamental principles of energy beneath them and use them, act accordingly, but without the superstition or supernatural. I use ritual though I see it as a way of arranging energy. Anyway, its a bit too much to explain here. I would say that I grew up with Quakers and Unitarian Universalists and can live with that easy enough, and I can accept Buddhism without a problem as I personally draw heavily on those teachings, though again, I draw on the knowledge and practice of buddhism and am not interested in the "buddhist" religions that have developed from the source. My affinity is for zen buddhism and taoism as philosophies and personal practices, not as religion.
6.Not overly overweight or out-of-shape. This is not out of asthetic reasons, but because I live a hard and physically demanding life, as an outdoorsman and a traveller, and I want someone who can keep up with me. I really am not concerned with how you "look" in any of the standard social norms or ideals, it just doesn't matter to me. For me, beauty is in your heart and spirit, and your mind. I see any healthy body as beautiful.. especially a female one. But seriously, I am interested in what I will see in the dark and with my eyes closed. But I do want someone who is healthy and active and can climb mountains and live the sort of tough, rugged life I live and enjoy it. Though even if you aren't in shape, its possible you could get in shape being with me.. you'd have to. But it would be better if you'd naturally managed it on your own, because it was just the way you are. Change is always possible, and I'm not in as good a shape as I once was before I went through some bad times, but it is still in my nature to be extremely physically active and to live a life that can be extremely physically demanding.
egomania, selfishness. I hate big egos, always have, hate arrogance and selfishness, hate disrespectful attitudes. I am a sensitive, gentle man who believes in manners, in an aesthetic attitude towards life and behavior. Though I can explain these best in terms perhaps of aesthetics or physics, that I practice harmony of energy, balance and flow without unnesessary violence, dissonance, or disturbance; and avoid people that don't as much as I can. In a long period of meditation I once concluded that the roots of all evil are insensitivity, inconsideration, and selfishness.
An Urbanite or city-person. I have nothing against urbanites, and enjoy visiting cities and towns, but that is not where I am at. I am a person most at home in the wildlands, and though I have spent much time in cities, and visit them regularly, I visit them and don't think I would ever want to live in one, or even in town. I make a regular cycle between the wilds and the urban areas, I love the fairs and the crowds and cafes and the street, but I eventually leave for the country and natural places. I'm not so sure of this, it's possible I could live in a town if I got out and away regularly, to some wildlands nearby, but I'd rather do it the other way around. I must admit, since I have never "settled down" and lived anywhere, I'm not sure what I could or couldn't deal with.
Peace
Brian
